How to Deal with Back Talk from Children

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Last Updated: November 26, 2025 References

Talking back is something that every child, regardless of age, will probably do to their parents at least once. Most parents will agree that back talk is disrespectful, but may not know how to handle it properly, so this article will teach you how to handle back talk!

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Toddlers

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Hearing your child(ren) rudely speak to you will probably irritate you. However, it is important to remain calm with your child. If you find yourself irritated, walk away from the situation and count to 10, or take some deep breaths. Anger can lead to you making irrational decisions, which may cause more long-term behavioral issues with your children.^{[1]
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Establish clear rules. Younger children and toddlers may struggle to understand more complex rules, such as "Don't be rude." Remember, their listening skills are still developing. Instead, tell them, "When I tell you to put your toys away, you must do it. If you don't, someone might step on them and break the toys".^{[2]
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- Similarly, if your child is behaving in a specific way that you want to stop, explain clearly what they did wrong, and explain a replacement behavior for them. If they are refusing to put on their coat, say, "I need you to put on a coat, and I don't like it when you throw it on the floor. Since you are refusing to put it on, I will pick a coat and help you put it on".
- It is important to be patient with young children. They may need frequent reminders about what is and isn't acceptable.
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Younger children and toddlers need reminders for rules. When it comes to back-talk, you might ask your child, "Michael, put your toys away." If they come back and say, "Make me.", tell them, "Michael, if you talk back to me again, you will get a consequence." If they then talk back to you the next day, give them a consequence.^{[3]
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Enforce consequences. If your toddler continues to talk back despite warnings, give them a consequence. At this age, your child must know that bad behavior leads to consequences. Make sure your consequences are age-appropriate and clear for your child; don't expect a 3-year-old to mow the lawn as punishment. Taking away their favourite toy for a day, or placing them in time out (see next step), are all good and age-appropriate consequences.
- The sooner you establish the mindset of "I am the boss, I set the rules, follow them or deal with the consequences", the better.^{[4]
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- Ensure that your child knows the rules before you punish them.
5
Use time-outs. These can work quite well for children at this age. Find a suitable location for time-outs, ideally free from distractions. The dining room, a chair, or the bottom step are all good locations, provided they are free from TV and other distractions. Try to avoid sending them to their room for a time-out, as there may be distractions or toys in there, undermining the punishment, also possibly connecting their room (and by extension, bedtime) to punishment. ^{[5]
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- Most experts say that 1 minute per year of age is sufficient for a time-out, so a 3-year-old gets 3 minutes.^{[6]
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- When you put your toddler in time-out, tell them why, so tell them, "You continued to talk back, so you must now take a time-out". Do not argue with them or accept any excuses.^{[7]
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- Getting your child to sit in a time-out is often easier said than done. If they refuse to go to time-out, lead them to the time-out spot by hand, and tell them to stay there until you say they can leave. ^{[8]
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- If they leave the time-out spot before the time-out is up, return them to the time-out without saying anything and restart the timer. ^{[9]
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- When the concept of time-out is first introduced, you may find yourself having to return them to the time-out spot frequently.^{[10]
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- It is important not to give in to their pleading, making excuses, or crying. Otherwise, they will learn that they can control the situation.^{[11]
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Once the punishment(s) are over, return to normal activity for your child, under the warning that future back-talk will lead to punishment again.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Older Children and Teenagers

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1
Include your teen in the rule-making process. While at the end of the day, it is up to you and your partner what the rules are, you should try to include your teen in the rule-making process. Allow them to suggest rules, consequences, and allow them to say where they think a rule might be unfair. Make sure they understand what each rule is and why it is in place. Allowing your teen to be involved with making rules will give them a sense of independence and ownership regarding their behavior, and some parents believe that teenagers who both understand why a rule is in place and have a say in making it are more likely to follow that rule.^{[12]
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- Be open to negotiation. If you want your teenager home by 10 pm, but they want a curfew of 11 pm, suggest 10:30 pm.
- Make sure your rules are age-appropriate. It isn't fair to require a 16-year-old to be in bed by 7 pm.
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Avoid being too strict or authoritarian. In days past, it was normal for parents to be authoritarian, not allowing any negotiation or any excuses. However, studies have shown that teenagers who grow up in an environment where everything is monitored, all forms of independence are frowned upon, and everything is questioned, are more likely to rebel and push boundaries as they grow older. If they feel like they are oppressed or that you are extremely strict, your teen will likely find ways to bypass or circumvent your rules, rather than follow them. Be open to negotiation, let your teen enjoy their teenage years, and avoid being extremely strict.^{[13]
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- As an example of the possible negative effects of authoritarian parenting, meet Luke. Luke, who is 15 years old, isn't allowed to use social media, have a phone, and is rarely allowed out with friends. Despite these rules, Luke would intentionally do all the things he was told he wasn't allowed to do. Luke had Instagram, a girlfriend, and would sneak out at night to visit friends. He would smoke and drink alcohol, and even post nude photos online. Despite all the restrictions Luke's parents would place on him, he would always find a way to circumvent them. Eventually, Luke became his parents' worst nightmare, without them even knowing. Luke isn't the only example of this, as well. His classmates all have similar parents, and they all do similar things to get around these restrictions. While all of their parents have good intentions, the result is more harm done than good. Research from the University of New Hampshire has shown that kids who grow up in an authoritarian household are more likely to struggle with social skills and rebel against their parents (sound familiar?). So please, for the sake of your teenager, avoid the temptation to be an authoritarian parent.^{[14]
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Give them space. Teenagers need a lot more space from their parents than younger children do, and make sure they get this. Allow them to stay in their room undisturbed if they want to
4
Respond to the back-talk. Or not? It may sound insane to ignore back-talk, but it might be the easiest way for everyone involved. Establish firm boundaries regarding how they are expected to talk to you, and only respond when they choose to engage with you maturely. Over time, they will learn that back-talk generates no response.^{[16]
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- If they give you back-talk when you ask them to do something (chores, study, etc), punish them if they don't complete the task, not for talking back.
Make sure your teenager is aware of certain "zero-tolerance" polices, such as smoking, alcohol, drugs, and anything else that isn't welcome in your house. Explain that these will have serious consequences if broken, and then enforce them if a zero-tolerance policy is violated.
Many parents will demand unconditional respect from their children, but in reality, respect is mutual. If you don't respect your teen, they won't respect you! Listen to their boundaries (such as knocking before entering their room), don't talk down to them, listen to anything they have to say, and the list goes on. If you respect your teen, they will probably respect you!
7
Use natural consequences where possible. Instead of punishing your teen when they do something wrong, sometimes it is better to utilize natural consequences, which are a direct result of their behavior, so if they give back-talk when you ask them to complete the chores, rather than punishing, the natural consequence could be that they don't get paid for it. Similarly, if they don't study, the natural consequence is a bad grade. Natural consequences can reduce the conflict and establish that if they don't do what they have to do, then consequences will happen.
- Natural consequences should never risk the safety of you, your teenager, or anyone else. If your teenager is taking drugs, the natural consequence could be serious health issues, which is not appropriate.
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Use fair but effective consequences. If a natural consequence isn't possible, you should find another punishment. Make sure it is fair and appropriate for your teen, and don't be overly strict. Take away their phone for 24 hours, or ground them for a week, not for 6 months or a year. Consequences are designed to correct bad behavior, but an extremely strict punishment (i.e, a year-long grounding) is more likely to cause rebellion than correct bad behavior. ^{[17]
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- Consequences should be fair across all children. If you ground your eldest teen for a week for turning up 1 hour late, but will negotiate a lesser punishment for your other teen, the older one will likely feel resentment, which again, could cause rebellion.
- Don't accept back-talk when giving a consequence, but at the same time, avoid punishing for it. If you ground your teen for a week, and they talk back by saying, "Why should I?" instead of grounding them for another week, simply state that the punishment is final.

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Tips

Pose a united front with your partner, if possible. The importance of this diminishes with age, but for younger children, showing a united front is important. If you don't allow back-talk, neither should your partner.

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