How do you deal with insecurities in a relationship?
07/28/25 4:36pm
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Dealing with relationship insecurities is probably one of the most talked about things in couple’s therapy. We talk about the insecurity partners have about themselves, or about what the other partner is doing, who they're talking to, and what's going on. That kind of insecurity is a mirror, and I usually tell clients to turn around, because this is not about your partner, it's about your own life and your own insecurity and what you think about yourself.
So, most of the time, insecurities are very self-directed, even though we project them out onto our partners a lot of the time. And it's beautiful, because in relationships, our partners act as mirrors to ourselves.
In terms of addressing insecurities, the first step is awareness. A lot of the time, people are not aware that they're insecure or that they have insecurities. Most of the time, they're projecting out and saying, "You're doing this wrong.” But be open to saying, “I feel insecurity about this. I feel self-doubt," or "I feel something is going on or something is amiss.” That's the first step, because otherwise, if I tell my partner, “You're insecure about this,” and my partner is not self-aware, he’s going to be like, “What? No, I’m not. No, it's you who's doing something wrong, right?”
We’re only responsible for our own self-awareness. You can force it all you want, but until they're ready and the light bulb goes off, there’s not much you can do. Don’t pick up the baggage. It's their journey and their insecurity. You can support, but you can't take it as your own to fix.
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So, most of the time, insecurities are very self-directed, even though we project them out onto our partners a lot of the time. And it's beautiful, because in relationships, our partners act as mirrors to ourselves.
In terms of addressing insecurities, the first step is awareness. A lot of the time, people are not aware that they're insecure or that they have insecurities. Most of the time, they're projecting out and saying, "You're doing this wrong.” But be open to saying, “I feel insecurity about this. I feel self-doubt," or "I feel something is going on or something is amiss.” That's the first step, because otherwise, if I tell my partner, “You're insecure about this,” and my partner is not self-aware, he’s going to be like, “What? No, I’m not. No, it's you who's doing something wrong, right?”
We’re only responsible for our own self-awareness. You can force it all you want, but until they're ready and the light bulb goes off, there’s not much you can do. Don’t pick up the baggage. It's their journey and their insecurity. You can support, but you can't take it as your own to fix.
To deal with insecurity in a relationship, you want to have an understanding of what is driving the insecurity. Is this something that you experience across the board? Is this unique to romantic relationships? Is this unique to this one specific romantic relationship? And if so, what is the driver of that? Is it maybe that your needs aren't being met by your partner and that's leading to insecurity?
So, it's about communicating. Strive for open communication with your partner, like, “Hey, I'm not feeling as solid here as I would like. There's something that is making me feel a little insecure.” Explain whether that insecurity means worrying your partner is going to leave, or being worried they desire other people, or whatever else it may be. If there's trust, which hopefully there is, then talking about it can lead to that security that you're looking for.
Ideally, your will partner respond and be able to meet you with compassion as well as an explanation of where they're coming from. And then the two of you can have a better understanding, and from there, create better security.
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So, it's about communicating. Strive for open communication with your partner, like, “Hey, I'm not feeling as solid here as I would like. There's something that is making me feel a little insecure.” Explain whether that insecurity means worrying your partner is going to leave, or being worried they desire other people, or whatever else it may be. If there's trust, which hopefully there is, then talking about it can lead to that security that you're looking for.
Ideally, your will partner respond and be able to meet you with compassion as well as an explanation of where they're coming from. And then the two of you can have a better understanding, and from there, create better security.
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