Toxic friend. Any advice?
Honestly, I think my BFF is kinda toxic. She always makes jokes that I'm a bigback and things like that. It sucks. Any advice?
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When considering what to do about a toxic friend, I would first ask, "what is a toxic behavior"? I think being in a relationship with humans means sometimes we get hurt and sometimes we hurt each other. That's just a normal part of relationships. However, I think it starts to become a problem when it becomes a pattern. If it's happening over and over, if it's happening without repair, like if this friend can't say sorry or if this friend continues their behavior, that's something to pay attention to.
If you do notice that a friend has, over and over again, displayed a pattern of behavior that doesn't feel good, you have a couple of options. One, you can talk to them. You can say, "Hey, situations like this don't feel good in our relationship". I think that's a mature way to start, because maybe that person doesn't know that they are hurting you. Being able to talk to somebody that you care about gives them the opportunity to do it differently.
Now, you might have the conversation, and then they change and then it's great! Or, you might try to have the conversation, but then they don't change, or they don't hear you or believe you. If that's the case, you now have to make a decision. You can't decide how this person behaves, but you can make your own choices.
You might need to back off from this person. Maybe you can still be friends with them, but in a less connected way. Maybe that means you see them at school, but you don't text all the time. Or, maybe you can still be nice to them and eat lunch with them, but you don't hang out on the weekends. It might just look like having different boundaries. Maybe you can still talk to them, but you're careful not to tell them about your boy problems because the last time you did so, they spread that around the school. You can adjust your behavior without moving straight to cutting someone off. Emotional maturity means trying to have relationships in ways that feel safe for you.
If it gets to the point where you can't be friends with them, that's also okay. You can choose to slowly disconnect, or you can openly say, "Hey, I need a little bit of space", and be direct about it. Depending on who this person is, they might not respond well to that, and you have to go, "How can I feel good about how I'm engaging in this relationship"? You can't control this person, but you can control what you do, and you can make decisions that make you feel good about how you handle it.
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If you do notice that a friend has, over and over again, displayed a pattern of behavior that doesn't feel good, you have a couple of options. One, you can talk to them. You can say, "Hey, situations like this don't feel good in our relationship". I think that's a mature way to start, because maybe that person doesn't know that they are hurting you. Being able to talk to somebody that you care about gives them the opportunity to do it differently.
Now, you might have the conversation, and then they change and then it's great! Or, you might try to have the conversation, but then they don't change, or they don't hear you or believe you. If that's the case, you now have to make a decision. You can't decide how this person behaves, but you can make your own choices.
You might need to back off from this person. Maybe you can still be friends with them, but in a less connected way. Maybe that means you see them at school, but you don't text all the time. Or, maybe you can still be nice to them and eat lunch with them, but you don't hang out on the weekends. It might just look like having different boundaries. Maybe you can still talk to them, but you're careful not to tell them about your boy problems because the last time you did so, they spread that around the school. You can adjust your behavior without moving straight to cutting someone off. Emotional maturity means trying to have relationships in ways that feel safe for you.
If it gets to the point where you can't be friends with them, that's also okay. You can choose to slowly disconnect, or you can openly say, "Hey, I need a little bit of space", and be direct about it. Depending on who this person is, they might not respond well to that, and you have to go, "How can I feel good about how I'm engaging in this relationship"? You can't control this person, but you can control what you do, and you can make decisions that make you feel good about how you handle it.
First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through that! It sounds like your friend makes some pretty insensitive comments to you, and that can really hurt. Sometimes, people think they’re joking or teasing in a friendly way, but they’re actually being offensive. Try letting her know that her comments are hurtful first. If she didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, she’ll probably apologize and change her behavior. If she continues making these offensive jokes even when you’ve asked her not to, that would be pretty toxic behavior. At that point, you would be totally justified to take some space from that friendship, or even end it altogether. You deserve friends who encourage you and make you feel safe, not friends who cut you down or hurt your feelings!
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If you do decide to end the friendship, I encourage you to have a closure discussion with the toxic friend, or to express how you feel about the friendship before determining whether the relationship will end. I believe this reinforces healthy communication and could potentially minimize any residual animosities between the two of you.
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