What do I actually ask someone about on the first date?
Hi, so I haven't really gone on a ton of dates but the ones that I have gone on have kind of stalled while we're talking. I want to be able to make a really good impression, but I feel like I have nothing interesting to ask or talk about. Are there questions to ask someone to get to know them better that I'm missing out on? What about after all of those? Are there other fun or interesting things I could ask to keep the conversation going without it getting crazy awkward?
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First, I would identify what your "non-negotiables" are that you're looking for in a relationship: these are the behaviors and traits that a potential partner must have for you to want to be with them. Some examples are: hardworking, affectionate, spiritual, or family-oriented. Then, you can think of questions that might help you subtly assess whether or not this person is hardworking, or whatever the important trait is. You create questions to help you with this in dating, but then ask them lightly and maybe only ask one question like this on your first date. Everything else that you talk about can be light-hearted, easy, not too heavy, not too serious. Why? Because we don't want this person to feel like they're in a job interview.
I also recommend thinking about some other things that you want to talk about in advance! I like thinking of pop culture topics and also just being prepared in knowing what's going on in current events and the pop culture realm. I'd also recommend staying away from talking explicitly about politics. However, if you want to get a feel for a person's views, what I would do is hold conversations around some "political hot topics" but not bring up politics explicitly. You could ask them questions about their thoughts on some hot topics and then gather that information more artfully on dates.
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I also recommend thinking about some other things that you want to talk about in advance! I like thinking of pop culture topics and also just being prepared in knowing what's going on in current events and the pop culture realm. I'd also recommend staying away from talking explicitly about politics. However, if you want to get a feel for a person's views, what I would do is hold conversations around some "political hot topics" but not bring up politics explicitly. You could ask them questions about their thoughts on some hot topics and then gather that information more artfully on dates.
If you put yourself in an environment where there are things happening, you're always going to have a point to talk about. For instance, if you decide to have a first date and you go to the movies, it's a little bit awkward because you can't really talk much through the movie. Alternatively, you could decide to go for a walk along the beach and get some ice cream, where there are people to look at. You might say, “Oh, did you see that girl just fall off the bicycle? I hope she's okay. Do you have any sisters?”. Using different points in your environment will give you, if you get stuck, an idea of what to talk about.
Having an idea in your head as well isn’t a bad thing. This is something that I used to do for my clients - I would literally give them prompts on what to ask somebody on a first date. We don't have to necessarily go out there and just wing it because a lot of the time when we wing it, we put ourselves in a position where we don't feel as confident, we wish we had done things differently, and we do have the awkward answers.
Go on YouTube, read some books, get some programs, and do things where you have some prompts. I know that there are probably dating apps out there and relationship apps that will literally give you the prompts. Look at them. If you need to go to the bathroom and then get your phone out to look at them, do that. Make your life easier because you can now, and all those resources are available on your phone.
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Having an idea in your head as well isn’t a bad thing. This is something that I used to do for my clients - I would literally give them prompts on what to ask somebody on a first date. We don't have to necessarily go out there and just wing it because a lot of the time when we wing it, we put ourselves in a position where we don't feel as confident, we wish we had done things differently, and we do have the awkward answers.
Go on YouTube, read some books, get some programs, and do things where you have some prompts. I know that there are probably dating apps out there and relationship apps that will literally give you the prompts. Look at them. If you need to go to the bathroom and then get your phone out to look at them, do that. Make your life easier because you can now, and all those resources are available on your phone.
This may seem counterintuitive, but don’t spend all your prep time thinking about questions to ask your date; also think about things about yourself that you want to share. What qualities, facts, and stories about yourself do you want to present to your date? It can help you feel more prepared to chat about yourself and can prevent the date from feeling like a one-sided interview, which can happen if you only ask your date questions without also sharing things about yourself. To get to know your date better and get closer to them, it’s important to balance the focus of the conversation between both of you!
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I don't think you should come to a first date armed with a list of questions in your mind. Instead, I'd encourage you to adopt a sincere interest in getting to know your date. Be a good listener and ask open-ended questions that set your date up to share things with you. If you bring a bunch of questions that you want to ask, the date can end up feeling more like an interview than a conversation.
There are definitely some questions that are probably safer not to ask. Don't go too personal, negative, or far out into the future with your questions. For example, it can be risky to ask your date about their sex life, exes, mental health problems, childhood trauma, finances, or desire to have children. But this isn't a hard and fast rule! You can feel it out.
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There are definitely some questions that are probably safer not to ask. Don't go too personal, negative, or far out into the future with your questions. For example, it can be risky to ask your date about their sex life, exes, mental health problems, childhood trauma, finances, or desire to have children. But this isn't a hard and fast rule! You can feel it out.
I like asking the question "What do you like to cook?" This is an approachable question that can help you learn a lot about a person and open up several other conversation topics. For example, someone may talk about a dish from their culture or another culture, which can lead to discussion about their family or their travel experience or desires. You might learn that they're a person who values routine if they tend to cycle through the same recipes or if they meal prep. Or you might learn that cooking is actually a hobby of theirs, which can be an easy transition into chatting about your own hobbies. This is my favorite first date question!
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I've been on my fair share of first dates, and I've always appreciated when the person I'm with asks me questions that go beyond the "basics." Here are some of my favorite questions that I've been asked that have made me want to go on a second date with them:
• What accomplishment are you most proud of?
• What's your favorite place in your hometown?
• What hidden talent do you have that no one else knows about?
• What's your favorite childhood memory?
• Who do you think would play you if a movie was made about your life?
• What's the most important thing you're looking for in a relationship?
These all go a little bit deeper than surface level, so they feel more personal and like you're actually trying to learn more about them as a person.
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• What accomplishment are you most proud of?
• What's your favorite place in your hometown?
• What hidden talent do you have that no one else knows about?
• What's your favorite childhood memory?
• Who do you think would play you if a movie was made about your life?
• What's the most important thing you're looking for in a relationship?
These all go a little bit deeper than surface level, so they feel more personal and like you're actually trying to learn more about them as a person.
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