85+ Funny Irish Sayings & Quotes to Make You Laugh

Download Article

Hilarious Irish idioms about people, appearances, drinking, and more

Co-authored by Dan Hickey

Last Updated: December 11, 2025 Fact Checked

Download Article

• About Personalities
|
• About Appearances
|
• Dirty Sayings
|
• About Drinking
|
• Words of Wisdom
|
• Slang

|Show more |Show less

The Irish are known for loving a good time, and their sayings and expressions are just as fun! We’ve compiled a list of hilarious Irish phrases and words of wisdom about drinking, appearances, personalities, and more. We’ve even included some common and funny Irish slang words to know so that you’re always in on the laugh.

Our Favorite Funny Irish Sayings

• “She’d read you mass from a cookbook.”
• “If he fell out of a window, he’d go up.”
• “They’ve got enough cheek for a second ar*e.”
• “It’s not a hangover; it’s the Irish flu.”
• “In heaven, there is no beer; that’s why we drink ours here.”
• “You must take the small potato with the big potato.”
• “If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, then you’re lucky enough.”

Steps

Section 1 of 6:

Funny Irish Sayings about Personalities

Download Article

1. 
   1
   “If you told him you were in Tenerife, he’d say he was in Elevenerife.” This Irish expression describes someone who constantly has to one-up you or show that they have (or are) the best of the best. (Tenerife is a Spanish island known for its resorts and beautiful beaches.)

   • “He’s always trying to prove he’s the best. If I said I vacationed in Tenerife, he’d say he owns a home in Elevenerife!”
2. 2
   “He’s so cheap, he turns off the gas when he’s turning his rashers.” This expression is for someone who’s so stingy, they would turn off the stove when they flip their bacon (“rashers”) so they don’t waste any heat.

   • “Don’t bother asking him for a donation. He’s so cheap, he turns off the gas when he’s turning his rashers!”
   Advertisement
3. 3
   “He’d take the milk out of your tea and come back for the sugar.” This idiom is for someone untrustworthy or who’s known to be a thief.

   • “Watch out for that boyo. He’d take the milk out of your tea and come back for the sugar any day.”
4. 4
   “He’s so tight, he’s building his own coffin.” Here, “tight” means cheap. This Irish saying is a jab at anyone who’s overly frugal (AKA, building your own coffin to save on funeral costs).

   • “Terry won’t contribute to the office gift. He’s so tight, he’s building his own coffin!”
5. 
   5
   “She’d read you mass from a cookbook.” Do you know someone who can make things up on the fly like it’s their job? This expression is for anyone who can spin a nonstop yarn about nothing (whether it’s true or false) at a moment’s notice.

   • “She’s a quick one. She’d read you mass from a cookbook!”
6. 6
   “Even a kettle wouldn’t whistle at him.” This is another playful expression to describe someone as unattractive. It refers to old-fashioned tea kettles that whistle once the water is boiling.

   • “Even a kettle wouldn’t whistle at you in that outfit!”
7. 7
   “If work were in the bed, he’d sleep on the floor.” This is a short saying to describe someone so lazy, they’ll do anything to avoid working—even sleep on the floor.

   • “I think the new guy is allergic to getting things done. If work were in the bed, he’d sleep on the floor!”
8. 8
   “He’d bore the hole off a golf course.” You guessed it—this one describes someone who is just really, really boring.

   • “That speech was way too long! She could bore the hole off a golf course!”
9. 9
   “He’s so tight, he peels his oranges in his pockets.” There are quite a few Irish idioms about being stingy or cheap, and this is another one! It describes someone who’s willing to do messy or inconvenient things to hide that they have something to share.

   • “Don’t expect any help from him. He’s so tight, he peels his oranges in his pockets.”
10. 
    10
    “She says more than her prayers.” Save this expression for someone who loves to exaggerate, gossip, or just make things up.

    • “Don’t take what he says too literally. He says more than his prayers.”
11. 11
    “He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic.” Use this one to describe someone who’s acting a bit strange or who isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

    • “Is Mark feeling OK? He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic today.”
12. 12
    “You’re as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.” Use this Irish saying to reprimand someone for being completely unhelpful or getting in the way while you’re trying to accomplish something.

    • “Can you please finish up faster? You’re being as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.”
13. 13
    “His home is so manky, you wipe your feet on the way out.” “Manky” is an Irish slang word for dirty, so this expression describes someone whose house is a complete mess. You wipe your feet on the way out to keep the outdoors clean in comparison!

    • “I went to visit Greg the other day. His house was so manky, I had to wipe my feet before I left!”
14. 14
    “If he were chocolate, he’d eat himself.” This one-liner is perfect for anyone who’s completely full of themselves or just plain arrogant.

    • “I can’t listen to him brag any longer! If he were chocolate, he’d eat himself!”
15. 
    15
    “She’s up and down like a fiddler’s bow.” Imagine someone playing a fiddle, moving their arm up and down constantly. This expression is for anyone who keeps super busy or just can’t seem to sit down and relax.

    • “Why don’t you take a load off? You’ve been up and down like a fiddler’s bow all morning!”
16. 16
    “He’s like a pig looking into a washing machine.” No, we’re not saying that someone looks like a pig here. Instead, this expression describes someone who’s a bit unintelligent or dense (kind of like a pig looking at a washing machine and thinking, “What’s that?”).

    • “I’m worried about his grades. He’s like a pig looking into a washing machine sometimes!”
17. 17
    “If she fell out of a window, she’d go up.” This funny Irish saying describes someone who’s incredibly lucky or fortunate. It’s one of the few that describes a positive trait, so it’s a good one to remember!

    • “Of course he won the lotto! If he fell out of a window, he’d go up!”
18. 18
    “He’s a leg short of a snackbox.” This is another saying for someone who’s unintelligent. In Ireland, a snackbox is a quick meal you can pick up that usually comes with chips (French fries) and 2 pieces of chicken. Being one chicken leg short means you’re not quite a full meal, if you catch our drift.

    • “I asked for powdered sugar, and he came back with brown sugar. He’s a leg short of a snackbox, I swear.”
19. 19
    “He wouldn’t sleep in the same house as a shovel.” Here’s another funny Irish idiom about someone who just does not want to work. (Hey, we all need a break sometimes!)

    • “My new hire is useless. They wouldn’t sleep in the same house as a shovel!”
20. 
    20
    “If he were any more laidback, he'd be horizontal.” Here’s a delightful way to call someone super relaxed, chill, or calm. In some cases, this can be a good thing, but in a stressful situation, you probably want someone who can be a bit more vertical!

    • “We’re never going to finish this project on time. If our manager were any more laidback, he’d be horizontal.”
21. 21
    “She’d talk the hind legs off a donkey.” Save this phrase for an acquaintance who just never seems to stop talking (especially if the topic is boring, superficial, or just plain annoying).

    • “I haven’t had a moment of peace in hours. She could talk the hind legs off a donkey, I swear!”
22. 22
    “He’s the type to stand on the beach all day sweeping the water back out to sea.” As much as we’d like to be on the beach all day, this isn’t a flattering remark. This expression means that someone is pretty clueless about what they’re doing, or really determined to do something that’s ultimately futile.

    • “I told her there’s no way she could paint the whole house in time, but she’d stand on the beach all day sweeping the water back into the sea.”
23. 23
    “He’s a craic vacuum.” “Craic” (pronounced like “crack”) is an Irish slang term for fun or good conversation and company. So, being a craic vacuum means someone is boring, no fun, and skilled at draining any entertainment from a gathering or place.

    • “Ugh, I don’t want to be partnered with her. She’s such a craic vacuum!”
24. 24
    “He could send a glass eye to sleep.” A glass eye doesn’t need to close or rest, so if you manage to put one to sleep, you must be extra boring! This is a fun expression to use when someone is sucking the fun out of a situation, or for someone who can give uninteresting talks or do boring tasks for hours at a time.

    • “I’m gonna need a coffee after this presentation. She could put a glass eye to sleep!”
25. 
    25
    “He wouldn’t spend Christmas.” Here’s another saying that means someone is cheap. Christmas is a time for generosity and giving, so if you won’t spend Christmas, you must be pretty dang frugal.

    • “You’re so cheap, you wouldn’t even spend Christmas!”
Advertisement

Section 2 of 6:

Funny Irish Sayings about Appearances

Download Article

1. 
   1
   “There’s more meat on a hen’s kneecap.” This saying describes someone who’s very thin or skinny (just picture a hen’s knee—it’s pretty bony-looking!).

   • “Did you get a look at that tall guy? There’s more meat on a hen’s kneecap.”
   • Variations:
     • “I’ve seen more meat on a spider’s elbow.”
     • “There’s more meat on a butcher’s pencil.”
2. 2
   “The tide wouldn’t take that fella out.” If someone’s not looking their best, pull out this silly phrase. It means they look so disheveled that no one would want to take them out on a date (not even the tide!).

   • “Go get yourself together, the tide wouldn’t even take you out!”
3. 3
   “You’ve a head on you that would make an onion cry.” You can probably guess the meaning of this Irish phrase. It essentially means you find someone ugly or unattractive.

   • “Swipe left! He’s got a head on him that would make an onion cry.”
4. 4
   “He’s so skinny, the one eye would do him.” This is another Irish saying to describe someone who’s ultra-thin. We’re not totally sure why—maybe because they’re so thin that they only have room for one eye, or that you can take them all in with one eye closed.

   • “He’s lost so much weight, the one eye would do him!”
5. 
   5
   “If he fell over, he’d be halfway home.” This is a saying to describe someone who is super tall (and usually lanky). Their height is equal to half the journey home!

   • “Gosh, how tall are you? You’d be halfway home if you fell down!”
6. 6
   “She’s nice from afar, but far from nice.” This one describes someone who you think looks good from far away, but not from close up. It can refer to physical looks or to someone’s personality.

   • “I thought she’d be a great collaborator. Turns out she’s nice from afar, but far from nice.”
7. 7
   “He wouldn’t get a kick in a stampede.” Yet again, we have another idiom that means you find someone ugly or unattractive. Don’t take it to mean that the Irish are mean, though—they’re a kind people that enjoy making witty jokes and insults at their loved ones’ expense as a form of social bonding.https://www.ireland.com/en-us/things-to-do/themes/culture/people-of-ireland/
8. 8
   “She’s as old as Methuselah’s cat.” This comes from an old Gaelic saying to describe someone who’s very old. In the Bible, Methuselah was a figure known for his incredibly long lifespan.

   • “Ben’s new girlfriend could be his mother. She’s as old as Methuselah’s cat!”
9. 9
   “If he were any longer, he’d be late.” Here’s another Irish expression to describe someone who’s extra tall, long, and lanky. (Hopefully they’ll be on time with their giant stride!)

   • “I always forget how tall you are! If you were any longer, you’d be late!”
10. 
    10
    “I’ve seen bigger fellas on wedding cakes.” This is a creative way to describe a person who’s small or extra short, like the figures atop a wedding cake.

    • “He walks around acting like he’s so tough. I’ve seen bigger boyos on wedding cakes!”
11. 11
    “He’s so skinny, he’d have to run around the shower to get wet.” Here we have another hilarious visual of a man so thin, he can dodge the water coming down from a showerhead. The Irish sure have a lot of ways to call someone skinny, don’t they?

    • “I just want to make sure you’re eating well! You’d have to run around the shower just to get wet.”
12. 12
    “She has teeth on her like a bus stop—all pushing to get to the front.” This expression might come to mind if you see someone who needs some dental work or has some noticeable flaws in their teeth.

    • “He’s got a lovely smile, minus the teeth. They’re like a bus stop, all pushing to the front!”
13. 13
    “He has a face like a bucket of spanners.” In Ireland and the UK, a “spanner” is a wrench. This expression describes someone who’s looking rough or who you don’t find very attractive.

    • “I don’t see why everyone adores him. His face is like a bucket of spanners.”
14. 14
    “She has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.” This is a creative way to say that someone looks very angry or mad. It can be used to call someone unattractive, too.

    • “Try not to make Jon mad today. He left that meeting with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.”
15. 
    15
    “He has a face for modeling balaclavas.” Here’s another funny way to say someone’s not the prettiest to look at (a balaclava is a head covering you wear when it’s cold to shield your face—only your eyes are exposed).

    • “I’m sure you’ll find professional success…as a face model for balaclavas!”
16. 16
    “I’ve seen a better head on a brush.” This is a short and funny saying to use when someone gets a bad haircut or has a questionable new ‘do. It could also mean that someone is generally ugly, but usually refers specifically to hair.

    • “I’ll never go back to that salon. I’ve seen a better head on a brush!”
Advertisement

Section 3 of 6:

Funny and Dirty Irish Sayings

Download Article

1. 
   1
   “He couldn’t get his hole in a Polo factory.” Here, “hole” is a euphemism for sleeping with someone, and a Polo is a candy mint with a hole in the center. The gist of this saying is, “There’s no way they can get anyone to sleep with them.”

   • “He says he has lots of girls in his DMs, but that chump couldn’t get his hole in a Polo factory!”
2. 2
   “I wouldn’t get up on him to get over a wall.” To “get up on someone” is another euphemism for sleeping with a person. This saying is a way to call someone unattractive or ugly.

   • “You want me to go out with him!? I wouldn’t get up on him to climb over a wall!”
3. 3
   “If my auntie had balls, she’d be my uncle.” Have you ever wondered how things would change if something had just gone differently in the past? This bawdy expression takes “what if” to a whole new level.

   • “If only I had left 5 minutes sooner, I would’ve caught the train!”
     “Sure, and if my auntie had balls, she’d be my uncle! Too late now.”
4. 4
   “He’s as tight as a duck’s hole.” This one paints quite a picture, but is easy to figure out. “Tight” means cheap, so this is a vulgar but funny-sounding way to say someone’s being stingy with their money or generosity.

   • “That cheapskate? He’s as tight as a duck’s hole, that one.”
   • Variation: You can substitute any animal you like in place of “duck.”
5. 5
   “I’d rather sh*te in my hand and clap.” This is a colorful way to talk about something that you really, really, really don’t want to do.

   • “Go apologize to your brother.”
     “I’d rather sh*te in my hands and clap!”
6. 
   6
   “His ar*e must get jealous of his mouth with the amount of sh*te he talks.” The Irish are known for their colorful (and not always safe for work) turns of phrase, and this one sure conjures a specific image! It’s used to talk about someone who constantly lies, exaggerates, or is just generally full of…you know.

   • “Don’t believe a word she says! Her ar*se must get jealous of her mouth, the amount of sh*te she talks.”
7. 7
   “She’s like a cloud—when she fecks off, it’s a lovely day!” Pull this one out when someone you can’t stand finally leaves you alone (your disposition will probably get sunnier!).

   • “I cannot stand him! He’s just like a cloud—it’s a lovely day when he fecks off!”
8. 8
   “If he were any more inbred, he’d be a sandwich.” You can probably guess what this one means without much explanation. Just be careful when you use this (arguably very witty) Irish insult!

   • “It’s pretty backwards in those parts. If Dean were any more inbred, he’d be a sandwich!”
9. 9
   “He’s as useful as a one-legged man in an ar*e kicking competition.” Ah, another vivid and descriptive expression! This one means that someone is totally useless or proving to be more trouble than they’re worth.

   • “I thought interns were supposed to make things easier, but she’s as useful as a one-legged man in an ar*e kicking competition.”
10. 10
    “He’d sh*te on the table to keep the flies off the sugar.” This one sounds confusing at first, but it refers to someone who lacks the common sense to handle a problem easily (like simply covering the sugar to protect it from flies). Instead, they’ll choose something excessive, difficult, or gross to handle the problem (like using the table as a restroom).

    • “Don’t ask him for help if you value your sanity. He’s the kind that would sh*te on the table to keep the flies off the sugar.”
11. 11
    “They’ve got enough cheek for a second ar*e.” This silly Irish saying refers to someone who’s excessively unserious, silly, or irreverent (AKA “cheeky”). Again, the Irish knack for vivid imagery reigns supreme.

    • “She’s trying to convince me she’s sick again! She’s got enough cheek for a second ar*e, that one.”
12. 
    12
    “He has a face like a slapped ar*e.” Unlike some other Irish sayings, this one isn’t about the ar*e itself—it’s about how red it looks after it’s been slapped or spanked. The expression describes someone who’s very red in the face, likely because they’re annoyed or embarrassed by something.

    • “Someone must’ve said something to make her mad because she’s got a face like a slapped ar*e right now.”
Advertisement

Section 4 of 6:

Funny Irish Sayings about Drinking

Download Article

1. 
   1
   “I’m as shook as a hand at mass.” This is a popular Irish saying that means you’re hungover. (It’s common in many Catholic masses to shake hands as a sign of peace.)

   • “I had a few too many beers last night. I feel as shook as a hand at mass.”
   • Variations:
     • “I’m more shook than the Pope’s hand.”
     • “I’m as shook as a beggar’s cup.”
2. 2
   “He’d drink Lough Erne and the Grand Canal dry.” This one’s pretty easy to figure out—it refers to someone who loves drinking! (Lough Erne is a large lake system in Northern Ireland, and the Grand Canal connects Dublin to the River Shannon.)
3. 3
   “I’m sicker than a bus to Lourdes.” Lourdes is a Catholic pilgrimage site in France that’s famed for its healing, sacred waters. You can use this expression when you’re under the weather with an illness, or—you guessed it—with a hangover.

   • “I can’t remember all we did last night, but I sure feel sicker than a bus to Lourdes today.”
4. 4
   “I feel as sick as three small hospitals.” This is a quirky little saying that means you don’t feel well, whether you’re sick with the flu or a nasty hangover.

   • “I think I got food poisoning. I’m as sick as three small hospitals!”
5. 5
   “He’d start a fight with himself.” This expression describes someone who’s argumentative or aggressive, usually after having a few drinks. It can refer to verbal arguments or physical altercations.

   • “He’s not so fun after too many drinks. He’d start a fight with himself if he could!”
6. 6
   “In heaven, there is no beer; that’s why we drink ours here.” If you enjoy a good brew or splitting the G of a Guinness, then you know what this expression is all about. This funny saying perfectly captures the Irish spirit of having a good laugh with good friends over a cold pint.

   • “Sláinte, everyone! In heaven, there is no beer; that’s why we drink ours here!”
7. 
   7
   “It’s not a hangover; it’s the Irish flu.” The Irish have a reputation for imbibing a few too many, so it’s no wonder they have their own nickname for a hangover! (We’re not sure if you can get a doctor’s note for this “illness,” but it’s worth a shot!)

   • “Stacy isn’t coming this morning. She’s got a case of the Irish flu.”
Advertisement

Section 5 of 6:

Funny Irish Blessings & Words of Wisdom

Download Article

1. 
   1
   “It’s often a person’s mouth that breaks his nose.” This proverb is a warning to those who tend to run their mouth about sensitive topics (or business that doesn’t concern them). It means that your words can have real and unpleasant consequences.

   • “He got fired already? I bet his mouth broke his nose.”
2. 2
   “Never iron a four-leaf clover; you don’t want to press your luck.” Finding a four-leaf clover is said to be good luck, but you can’t depend on good luck to save the day every time you’re in a pickle. This expression is a reminder to be prepared and try your best!

   • “You got lucky with the weather today, but remember—never iron a four-leaf clover!”
3. 3
   “May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight.” This Irish blessing bestows divine protection on you without being too restrictive. It’s a way to wish someone gentle guidance and support without overwhelming or suffocating them.

   • “You’re going to have an amazing year abroad! Now, may the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight.”
4. 4
   “If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, then you’re lucky enough.” If the luck of the Irish were a saying, it would be this one! It’s a fun way to express gratitude for what you already have in life while wishing someone good fortune.

   • “Don’t feel too bad about getting let go. You’ll find something soon! As they say, if you’re lucky enough to be Irish, then you’re lucky enough.”
5. 
   5
   “May the good Lord take a liking to you, but not too soon.” This is an old Catholic proverb that wishes someone good health and a long life. AKA, it’s a playful way to tell someone “Don’t die!”

   • “Be careful on the drive! Don’t let the Lord take a liking to you too soon!”
6. 6
   “May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.” As a largely Catholic people, the Irish are keen to get into Heaven one day. However, they also love to have a good time! This saying wishes someone a long life full of fun, with just a little bit of time to repent and clear the air before meeting their maker.

   • “Here’s to your good health! May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.”
7. 7
   “May your troubles be as few and far between as my grandmother’s teeth.” Dental care has come a long way over the years, so this old saying is a bit dated. While it may be slightly offensive to grandmothers, it’s actually a funny way to wish someone a smooth and easy life!

   • “Happy New Year! May your troubles be as few and far between as my grandmother’s teeth.”
8. 8
   “As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.” The Irish remain undefeated with their whimsical and descriptive images! This saying is another one to wish someone well in their life’s pursuits (and make them laugh, too).

   • “I can’t believe today is your graduation day! May the splinters never point in the wrong direction as you slide down the bannister of life.”
9. 
   9
   “You must take the small potato with the big potato.” Is there a more Irish way to tell someone they have to accept the bad in life along with the good? This delicious proverb is all about radical acceptance and making your way through tough situations one day at a time.

   • “Ah, that’s tough luck about your car getting totaled! As they say, you have to take the small potato with the big potato.”
Advertisement

Section 6 of 6:

Funny Irish Slang Words & Phrases

Download Article

1. 
   Stay up to date on the slang of the Emerald Isle. While some Irish slang words are pretty well-known in the English-speaking world (like “craic”), there are plenty you probably haven’t heard unless you’ve visited Ireland. Here are some common (and funny) slang words and phrases to know:

   • Craic: Fun, entertainment, or a good time with good company
   • BOBFOC: “Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch”
   • Grand: Good
   • Banjaxed: Broken or roughed up
   • Feck: Damn, crap, or f*ck
   • Yoke: Thing
   • Culchie or bogger: From a rural area
   • Eejit: Fool or idiot
   • Gas: Funny
   • Lob the gog: Kiss someone
   • Gobsh*te: Someone foolish
   • Slagging: To insult someone in a lighthearted, friendly way
   • The jacks: Restrooms
   • Shook: Hungover
   • Get up out of that: That’s not real, you’re joking

Expert Q&A

Search

Add New Question

Ask a Question

200 characters left

Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.

Submit

Advertisement

Tips

Submit a Tip

All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published

Name

Please provide your name and last initial

Submit

Thanks for submitting a tip for review!