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This article was reviewed by Omar Ruiz, LMFT and by wikiHow staff writer, Elaine Heredia, BA. Omar Ruiz is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and the Owner of TalkThinkThrive, PLLC. With over 11 years of counseling experience, he specializes in helping couples resolve issues and restore intimacy. He has been featured in numerous publications, including The New York Times, Women’s Health, and WebMD. Omar holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and an MS in Family Therapy from The University of Massachusetts Boston.
There are 14 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
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Maybe you're a teenager with your first boyfriend, or maybe you're a little older but have always struggled sharing news of a relationship with your strict folks. Maybe you're a guy yourself, struggling with how to tell your parents you're gay. No matter your situation, if you approach the topic the right way, they might be willing to accept the news, and might even be happy for you! Keep reading to learn how to tell your parents you have a boyfriend, how to react if they disapprove, and how to come out to your parents if you're gay. We'll also share tips on how long to wait to tell them and deal with their objections with insight from a licensed family therapist and dating experts.
How do you tell your parents you have a boyfriend?
Licensed marriage and family therapist Omar Ruiz, LMFT, says to wait until you've invested time in your relationship. Be sure it's serious before telling your parents about it. Tell them about it directly and address any concerns they have, such as how you'll ensure your boyfriend doesn't distract you from school.
Steps
Help Talking to Your Parents
Telling Your Parents You Have a Boyfriend
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Figure out which parent to tell first. You might have a parent you feel closer to, or maybe one of your parents tends to be more lenient than the other. Oftentimes, breaking the news to a parent who is easier to talk to can clear the way for talking to the other parent.- For instance, if your dad tends to be overprotective, you might start by telling your mother.
- On the other hand, if you think both of your parents will take it equally well (or badly), just rip off the band-aid and tell them both at the same time.
Meet the wikiHow Experts
Omar Ruiz, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 11 years of experience. He specializes in helping couples resolve issues and restore intimacy.
Abby Rosenblum is a matchmaker with over 3 years of experience. She specializes in understanding the entire picture of a person to handpick dates for them.
Mark Rosenfeld is a dating and relationship coach and the founder of the coaching business Make Him Yours. He specializes in helping women find, attract, and keep extraordinary relationships.
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC, is a marriage and family therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families to help them solve problems while liberating them from internal and external constraints.
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Pick a time free of distractions for your conversation. Avoid telling your parents when they're busy with something else, or they're not in a good mood. If you want, ask them when a good time to talk would be. Try to choose a time when the house is calm, and your parents aren't stressed or distracted by something else.[1]- Don't use picking a good time as a way to keep putting off telling them. You have to tell them eventually, so you might as well get it over with.
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Write down what you want to say to your parents. If you're afraid you'll get flustered, it's perfectly fine to write out what you think you'll say ahead of time. This can help you process what you want to say so that you can present your new relationship in the best light. Then, when the time comes, you'll be able to get it out without thinking.[2]- As you write out what you might say, try to anticipate your parents' responses. Plan how you will answer their concerns as you tell them about your boyfriend.
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Practice delivering the news to someone you trust. It's normal to feel apprehensive about telling your parents about your new relationship. Practicing what you'll say to them can make it easier. Use a friend or an understanding relative as a sounding board, or just talk to yourself in the mirror.[3]- Practice in front of someone you trust to keep your secret. For example, choose an older cousin you're close to rather than a younger sibling, who might let the news slip by accident.
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Be direct when you tell them about your boyfriend. Once you sit down to talk, start the conversation about your relationship and get it over with. Don't beat around the bush by bringing up other topics first. Soften the blow with qualifiers, such as "I really love you, and I want to be honest with you about my personal life. I want to tell you about the boy I've started dating."EXPERT TIPMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistCreating the right setting for difficult family conversations can make a big difference. If you need to have a serious conversation with your parents, schedule it for a time and place free of distractions. Even if past talks haven't gone well, treat this as a fresh opportunity for you all to connect.
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Lead with your boyfriend's character, background, and qualities. Talk to them about his family and what you like about him. Highlight his good qualities so they get a sense of who he is. Show them a photo of him so they can see what he looks like.- Your parents will probably have many, many questions. Answer them as honestly and fully as possible to reassure them about your new relationship. If you try to hide or lie about something, your parents may become suspicious and anxious.
- If your boyfriend has a good relationship with his family, make sure your parents know. This trait is a major plus for many parents because it lets them know that the new guy in your life values others and appreciates family ties.
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Wait to reveal any negative qualities about your relationship until the end. If you know something about your boyfriend that will bother your parents, avoid leading the conversation with that. Instead, wait until the middle or end of the conversation to talk about it. For instance, if your boyfriend is more than a couple of years older than you, you might want to hold off on that bit of news until after you've already hyped up his good qualities.
Coming Out to Your Parents as Gay
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Practice your coming-out speech on someone you trust. While coming out to anybody is difficult, try coming out to someone you know is sympathetic first. For instance, if you have a gay friend or know someone who is a gay ally, talk to them about your sexuality before bringing it up with your parents. It's very hard to say the first time, so trying it out on someone else first can make it slightly easier on you when you do go to your parents. Plus, the person may be able to give you some tips if they’re also gay. Just be sure you completely trust the person first.[14] -
Come out to your parents when you feel ready. This kind of discussion is a difficult one, especially if you aren't sure how your parents will react. Wait until you feel comfortable having the discussion. It can be hard if you're questioning your sexuality, as your parents may try to convince you're actually not gay.[15]- If you show any hesitation about your sexuality, your parents might ask questions such as "Are you sure?" It's okay to discuss your feelings and reservations with them. Just realize that they may want to ask if you're positive about your feelings.
- If you're not 100% sure what your sexuality is, it's okay. You can have feelings for another guy now, yet decide later that you prefer women. Sexuality can change over time. But even if that happens later on, it does not invalidate your current feelings or your current relationship.
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Give them time to process your revelation. Many parents need time to adjust to the announcement that their son is gay and has a boyfriend. Because most parents expect their kids to be straight, they may have to change their conception of who you are. Let them know it's okay to take time to adjust.[16]- For instance, you could say, "I know this announcement is a big one, and I understand if you need some time to adjust to the idea."
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Know when it's not a good idea to come out. If you know your parents will react very badly because of their beliefs, you may want to rethink coming out to your parents. That is, if you think your parents may kick you out or even be physically violent with you, it's best to wait until you're able to support yourself financially.[17]- You may also not want to tell them if you're emotionally insecure, and you know they would come down very harshly on you.[18]
- Prepare for how you'll handle a bad reaction from your parents. Plan where you will go if things get heated, and know who you can turn to for emotional support.
- Get help with coming out from a nonprofit center dedicated to LGBTQ issues, such as The Trevor Project.
Ease your father into it through casual conversation. "I was really nervous to tell my overprotective dad about my new crush. But after reading this, I got an idea to bring it up while we were just chilling in the pool. I mentioned dating, and he seemed surprisingly cool talking about it! Now I feel way more confident that when the right time comes, he'll be open if I say I have an actual boyfriend. Easing into it casually is so the way to go." - Ysobelle Pearce (wikiHow Community Member) 
Wait for the right moment to minimize blowback. "As a shy person, I've always found it hard to talk to my old-school mom about dating. This guide said to wait until she's in a good mood before spilling the news. I'm still anxious about how she'll react, but picking the timing really carefully might soften the blow when I finally admit I have a boyfriend. Baby steps are key for quiet people like me!" - Alexia D. 
Lean on others during your coming out journey. "I felt this so hard where it talks about coming out to unsupportive parents. Reaching out to LGBTQ friends first helped me gain confidence. Contacting a nonprofit like The Trevor Project provided me with resources to better explain my sexuality. Though it was painful when my parents reacted badly, surrounding myself with allies got me through that difficult time. You don't have to do this alone." - Forum P. 
Give disapproving parents space to adjust. "When I first told my traditional Caribbean mother about my boyfriend, she was very upset. This article reminded me to have patience and keep communication open, even when she refused to discuss it further. After giving her time to process the news, she gradually became more accepting. Getting parents to change their minds can take time and repeated effort." - Annakaye S. 
Did you know that wikiHow has collected over 365,000 reader stories since it started in 2005? We’d love to hear from you! Share your story here.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionMy mom won't let me date, but I really what to. How do I make sure it is okay with my mom and dad?
Paul Chernyak, LPCPaul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
Licensed Professional CounselorTalk to your parents about why you want to date and why you feel you're ready. Listen to what they have to say and why they oppose you dating. Try to reach a compromise so that you're both on the same page about when you can start dating. -
QuestionWhat if I am really nervous, and I can't find a way to tell them?Paul Chernyak, LPCPaul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
Licensed Professional CounselorPractice by telling someone else first, such as a cousin or sibling. Respond to their reactions and any concerns they express. Consider how they feel about the idea of you dating as you consider their reactions, however.
Video
Tips
References
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talk-to-parents.html
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talk-to-parents.html
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talk-to-parents.html
- ↑ Abby Rosenblum. Matchmaker. Expert Interview
- ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
- ↑ Omar Ruiz, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/7060-adolescent-development
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-ways-to-get-your-parents-to-really-listen-to-you
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-ways-to-get-your-parents-to-really-listen-to-you
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/manage-social-support
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/communicating-relationships/family-relationships/privacy-trust-teen-years
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-better-divorce/202205/how-and-when-to-introduce-your-new-partner-to-your-kids
- ↑ https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/understanding-anxiety-and-depression-lgbtq
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-to-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-to-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201512/the-3-most-common-causes-of-insecurity-and-how-to-beat-them
About This Article
To tell your parents you have a boyfriend, write out what you want to say and practice it a few times if you’re afraid you’ll get flustered. If you feel closer to one of your parents or you think one will be more accepting than the other, then you may want to tell them first. Otherwise, tell your parents at the same time to get it over with. When preparing to break your news, pick a time when your parents aren’t too tired or stressed so that their frustration doesn’t spill over into your conversation. Once it’s time to talk to them, try to be as direct as possible. For example, you might say “I love you both, and I don’t want to upset you. Also, I want to be honest with you about my life. I want to tell you about the boy that I’ve started dating.” To learn how to react if your parents disapprove, keep reading!
Reader Success Stories
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"I was really nervous to tell my overprotective dad about my new crush. But after reading this, I got an idea to bring it up while we were just chilling in the pool. I mentioned dating, and he seemed surprisingly cool talking about it! Now I feel way more confident that when the right time comes, he'll be open if I say I have an actual boyfriend. Easing into it casually is so the way to go. "..." more
