What “The One Who Got Away” Really Means (And How to Handle It)

Matchmaker and relationship coach Hoda Abrahim shares what to do if the timing just wasn’t right

Co-authored by Hoda Abrahim and Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: January 27, 2026 Fact Checked

• Meaning
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• Is it real?
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• Causes
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• Are you the one that got away?
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• Is it common?
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• Reconnecting
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• Moving On
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• Video

|Show more |Show less

We’ve all heard the phrase “the one who got away” at some point in our lives, but what does that actually mean? Is it real? Maybe you think you have someone who got away, or maybe you believe that you’re the person who got away. Whatever the situation is, we talked to relationship psychologists, mental health counselors, marriage and family therapists, and relationship experts to explain what it means when someone gets away, why it happens, and what to do about it.

What does “the one that got away” mean?

Matchmaker and relationship coach Hoda Abrahim says that “the one that got away” refers to a romance that didn’t progress because the couple didn’t connect at the right time, even though they were great for each other. After the relationship, it can be hard to move on because you’re filled with questions and “what-ifs.”

Steps

Section 1 of 7:

“The One That Got Away” Meaning

1. 
   “The one that got away” refers to a past romantic partner who had potential. It’s a common phrase you’ll hear when talking about relationships. It’s used to talk about a romantic partner who you felt may have been “the one,” but the relationship ended before you could really find out, for one reason or another. Usually, they leave a lot of questions and “what-ifs” behind, making it hard to move on.

   • Abrahim says, “‘The one that got away’ is such an interesting phenomenon because … it boils down to timing. Sometimes two people who are right for each other … didn’t connect at the right time in one or both of their lives. And so, for whatever reason, this relationship didn’t progress, or this person you thought you could have a future with just didn’t go there.”
   • The end of the relationship might have been unexpected, tragic, or confusing, leaving the other person wondering what went wrong or how they could have saved it.

   Meet the wikiHow Experts

   Hoda Abrahim is a matchmaker and relationship coach, and the founder of the Muslim matchmaking service Love, Inshallah. She has over 7 years of experience.

   Laura Richer is a licensed mental health counselor with more than 10 years of experience who specializes in working with couples and individuals.

   Lena Dicken, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist with over 8 years of experience in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties.

   Elvina Lui, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area.

   Kirsten Thompson, MD, is a board-certified psychiatrist, clinical instructor at UCLA, and the founder of Remedy Psychiatry.
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Section 2 of 7:

Is there such a thing as the one that got away?

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   Yes, you can have an ex that you really regret losing. Usually, the “one who got away” is someone that you don’t have much closure with or had to leave because of things outside your control, making the relationship feel unfinished and leaving you with lots of loose ends. You might think about them often or have a hard time moving on, simply because you’re wondering about what could have been. Research shows that this feeling is common, and that many people experience it.

   • Abrahim says that over time, you may start to question whether that might have been someone you should have spent your life with. “It can be this really big, looming question,” and the feeling can happen over months, years, or even decades.
   • When you have someone who got away, you might compare everyone to them or think about them all the time. It can be tough to hold down romantic relationships, simply because you’re still hoping deep down that you two might reconnect one day.
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   Often, though, there’s more to the story than you realize. The problem with “the one that got away” is that it’s a matter of perspective. To one person in the relationship, it might be a mystery as to why it didn’t work out. But it might be clear to the other person, who might actually be relieved to end the relationship. “Maybe you weren't aware that the relationship had issues because your partner wasn't communicating with you,” says licensed mental health counselor Laura Richer. So to one person, they’re the one that got away, but to the other, it was just a relationship that didn’t work.

   • For example, maybe one person was lazy and didn’t put in effort, so their partner decides to finally leave. This catches the person off-guard, forcing them to question the relationship, while the person who left has no questions—they made a clear choice to leave.
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Section 3 of 7:

What makes someone the one that got away?

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   The timing wasn’t right. Ever met someone and thought, “Right person, wrong time”? Maybe you don’t work out because one of you is moving to a new city right as you got to know each other, or maybe you’re both a little too immature to be in a relationship yet. Whatever the case may be, losing someone because the timing is wrong can be tough to get over, especially because no one’s really in the wrong here.

   • On the bright side, there’s a better chance of two people getting together later if it was just a matter of bad timing.
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   Someone couldn’t communicate or handle a relationship. Sometimes, two people might be compatible, but the logistics of a relationship just aren’t there. Maybe one person isn’t ready for that kind of commitment. Or, “maybe they have childhood issues with abandonment or dysfunctional relationships with their parents,” Richer suggests, and these get in the way of a meaningful connection. In some relationships, both partners want to make it work, but they don’t have the skills to navigate the complexities of a relationship.

   • For example, maybe one person is afraid of communicating their boundaries, which causes problems for both people—problems that could be fixed by experience that they just don’t have yet, so the relationship ends instead.
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   The relationship was one-sided. Other times, it can feel like a “one that got away” situation to one person, but it doesn’t feel that way to the other person. Marriage and family therapist Elvina Lui, MFT, explains that in many relationships, one partner often feels like they’re not getting what they need, even when the other partner is totally content. If this imbalance isn’t addressed, the relationship can fall apart. It won’t be a surprise to the partner who felt badly in the relationship, but it can be a total shock to the content partner, who can start to feel like their partner “got away” for reasons that aren’t clear.
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   The breakup lacks closure. When a relationship ends without much explanation or warning, it’s normal to have tons of questions and “what-ifs,” but those may never be answered, and when you have that many loose ends, you have a “one that got away” situation. It’s tempting to ruminate on these questions and keep asking them, but board-certified psychologist Kirsten Thompson, MD, tells us that this “almost never results in any feelings of closure and will likely leave you with more confusion.”
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Section 4 of 7:

How do you tell if you’re the one who got away?

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   Your ex asks about you or checks in on you. Maybe a mutual friend tells you that your ex won’t stop asking about you. Or, maybe your ex messages you every now and then, just to see how you’re doing. Dating coach Erika Kaplan tells us that this could mean that they’re still thinking about you, and it might even mean that they regret your breakup or how it went down.

   • Kaplan calls this “submarining,” which is when an ex surfaces and disappears in your life, popping up now and then to see how you’re doing.
   • They might also post vaguely about you or the relationship on social media.
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   Your ex can’t hold a stable relationship after you break up. Kaplan says that it’s common to have trouble being vulnerable after a breakup, and it’s usually because there are unresolved feelings for the ex. People often have a lot of trouble moving on from the one who got away. If you hear that your ex has only had minor flings or can’t get into a long-term relationship after you two broke up, there’s a good chance that they’re still hung up on you. It might be that they’re having trouble moving on, and they don’t feel like they’re ready to date anyone else just yet.

   • Of course, dating is a hit-or-miss game. Some people are more picky than others, and it could be that your ex is taking their time choosing. That said, this also means they’re having trouble finding someone who can compare to you.
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   Your ex gets excited when they run into you. Most people don’t really look forward to seeing their exes out and about, especially if the breakup is still fairly fresh. However, if you’re the one who got away, your ex might perk up when they see you and make it a point to talk to you all night long. Relationship psychologist Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD, explains that they might even try to make plans to see you or to reconnect. This could mean that they miss you, and they might even want to get back together.

   • On the flip side, this is also a sign that you and your ex are just friendly. If you have a good relationship after your breakup and there aren’t any hard feelings, your ex is probably just being nice.
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Section 5 of 7:

Does everyone have one who got away?

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   Not everyone does, but it is pretty common. We all lose relationships that we regret, and it’s easy to think back on them and wonder what might have happened. It’s important to remember that not all relationships are meant to last, and your memories about the one who got away might be a little more romanticized than you realize.

   • This is especially common when you’re young, and you may not realize what it takes to have a romantic relationship. Losing someone that you thought was perfect for you can happen when you put other things first, like school or friends.

Section 6 of 7:

What should you say to the one who got away?

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   Ask if they’re comfortable reconnecting or even meeting up. This doesn’t always work, but it’s worth a try if you really want to get back together with them. Abrahim says, “There’s always the possibility to reconnect. If you’re both available, and you feel like you’re in a better place and the timing [is] better, I say 100% go for it.”

   • Relationship psychologist Lena Dicken, Psy.D, says that what’s important is “just letting them know that you’re there.” Make sure that they’re single and not in a relationship first, though, or you could cause issues in their life.
   • You might reach out via text or even on social media, if you can find them. You might say something like, “Hey Melissa, long time no see. How’s everything going?”
   • That said, “sometimes our emotions trick us,” Abrahim cautions. “Never make the decision to connect with somebody out of loneliness or fear that you’re never going to find somebody. It’s important to try and make those connections when you’re already in a healthy, happy mindset, and a good stage in your life, because then you can trust yourself and trust your emotions.”
   • Reader Poll: We asked 2672 wikiHow readers which sign would make them feel most hopeful about potentially reuniting with their ex, and 51% of them said reaching out and initiating contact after a period of no communication. [Take Poll]
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   Apologize or make amends if you did something wrong. Sometimes, the one who got away left because we didn’t treat them super well. If that was the case, you might reach out and say that you’re sorry for what happened. Do this by text, email, or letter, so that there’s no pressure on them to respond. Relationship coach Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA says that “the most important part of apologizing is being genuine and being able to tolerate the other person's wave of hurt coming your way, whatever that may look like.” There’s no guarantee that this will reconnect you two, but it could offer you some closure that you’re looking for.

   • For instance, you might say, “I wanted to reach out and say that I’m sorry. I know we were both young, but I feel pretty terrible about how I treated you back then.”
   • Don’t expect them to respond, but understand that if they don’t, that can be its own kind of closure.
   • Keep in mind that the one who got away might not be super excited to hear from you, especially if you hurt them before. If they don’t respond or shut you down quickly, it’s best to just move on.
   EXPERT TIP

   

   Laura Richer

   Licensed Mental Health Counselor

   Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.

   

   Laura Richer
   Licensed Mental Health Counselor

   It's not necessarily always a bad thing to go back to a relationship. But if it is, in fact, not a good relationship for you to be in and you feel that you're being drawn continually back to it, you would want to explore what that was about.
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   Address the issues that happened in the past. You probably both have a lot of underlying feelings about what happened with your relationship earlier. If you do plan on getting back together, it’s important to talk about these things and take action to make sure they don’t happen again. Before you jump into a relationship with the one who got away, sit down and have an honest conversation about what happened and why it happened. Dating and relationship coach Suzanna Matthews suggests explaining your own growth and reflection, and what you want from the relationship moving forward.

   • For instance, you might say, “When we met, I was just so young. I didn’t realize how much of a great person you were, and I resented you because I felt tied down. I’m much older now, and way more mature, and I think we can actually make this work now.”
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   Understand that things won’t be the same and might not work out. When we don’t talk to people for a long time, we grow apart, and our lives can look wildly different in just a few years. Sometimes that’s a good thing and means that you’re now ready to reconnect. Other times, it just means that you’re totally different people now, and that it might never work. Matthews advises keeping your expectations in check and having “no agenda” other than just reconnecting.

   • If they don’t want to reconnect, respect that. Sometimes the one that got away got away for a reason.
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Section 7 of 7:

How do you stop regretting the one who got away?

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   Let go of the “what-ifs.” Dr. Thompson tells us that dwelling on the past and the possibilities is “an expensive waste of time and energy.” You probably have some kind of fantasy about what you two could have been if you had stayed together, but it’s important to face the reality of the situation, even though that can be hard. The truth is, you don’t know if you and the one who got away would have actually worked out, and you’ll never know what your relationship could have looked like. Letting that go can really help you move on from the past and focus on the future.

   • We tend to romanticize people that we miss a lot. Instead of focusing on all the good things about the one who got away, think about the things that made you break up. Chances are, you two may not have worked out in the long run.
   • Abrahim agrees, saying, “Later down the line, you might put more weight on something and look at it with rose-colored glasses, when in the moment it didn’t necessarily feel as good as you might think that it did.”
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   Focus on becoming the best version of yourself. When you can’t move on, it’s often because you’re spending too much time thinking about the one that got away instead of thinking about yourself. But by turning inward, nurturing yourself, and investing in yourself as a person, you’ll find that you don’t need to lean on someone who’s already gone, and that you have so much more to offer yourself and other people in the future. To do this, try:

   • Diving into your hobbies, interests, and passions to discover your skills and build self-worth.
   • Exercising or working on your body to keep yourself physically healthy.
   • Dating someone else when you’re ready, so you can put your relationship experience to use.
   • Talking to a mental health professional to work through your emotions and practice coping skills that you can use in the future.
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