How to Be Less Self-Absorbed

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Therapist Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW shares simple changes you can make to be less self-centered

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Marcus Pruitt, BS

Last Updated: February 19, 2026 Fact Checked

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• Using Empathy & Taking Perspective
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• Collaborating & Sharing
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• Focusing on Personal Growth
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• Going Easy on Yourself
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• Expert Q&A

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If you're worried about being a self-centered person, that concern shows you've already taken an important step towards change. Change can be tough, though, so if you need more guidance on this journey, we can help. We've put together a useful list of simple things you can try that can help you focus less on yourself and more on the needs of others, with advice from expert therapists, clinical psychologists, and life coaches. Even small changes in your daily life can make a big impact! Read on to learn how building self love and showing yourself grace can help you overcome self-absorption and apathy.

How to Be Less Self-Centered

Therapist Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW says to put your focus on others, like asking how they’re doing and how you can help them. Put yourself in other people’s shoes and remind yourself that everyone is dealing with their own problems. Practice gratitude and celebrate others, too, as you’d want them to do the same for you.

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Section 1 of 4:

Using Empathy & Taking Perspective

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   Put yourself in other people’s shoes. Imagining yourself in their situation can help you understand them better. If a friend is telling you about something that happened to them and you just don’t feel engaged, put yourself in their shoes to see how you’d feel in their situation. Ask yourself how you'd feel and what you’d need if you were them. Then, keep those things in mind when you respond to your friend.

   • For example, if your coworker tearfully tells you that their sister passed away, you might find it hard to relate since your own sister is alive and well.
   • To understand your coworker's emotions better, imagine how you'd feel if your own sister died. Then, say something like, "Sally, I'm so sorry. I'm close to my sister and I can only imagine how hard this must be for you."

   Meet the wikiHow Experts

   Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW is a therapist specializing in individual and couples therapy. She focuses on relationships, depression, anxiety, and communication.

   Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience in the holistic wellness industry.

   Giselle Baumet is a Mindset & Wellness Coach with over 16 years of experience helping neurodivergent women entrepreneurs avoid burnout or overworking.

   Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA, is a Life Coach with over 15 years of experience life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking.

   Alexandra Janelli is an Anxiety and Stress Management Coach with over 14 years of experience practicing hypnotherapy and stress management.
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   Focus on listening instead of talking. Give others your full attention and really hear them out. Self-centered people often steer conversations to revolve around themselves and tend to get bored when the focus isn’t on them. If this sounds familiar, you can break that habit! Give others a chance to speak their minds and do your best to show that you’re really listening.

   • Minimizing distractions, nodding, and asking questions are great ways to practice more active listening.
   • If your friend is telling you about a pet emergency they had over the weekend, put your phone away and pay attention. Nod along and ask a question like, "I hope Tucker is healing quickly! Is he still at the vet or did you already bring him home?"
   • If you start getting bored, gently remind yourself that other people's lives and thoughts are just as important as your own.
   • Reader Poll: We asked 170 wikiHow readers which way of putting others first they think people would appreciate most, and 53% of them said listening more. [Take Poll]
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   Use fewer “I” and “me” statements. Fight the urge to talk about yourself in every conversation. It’s an easy habit to slip into, but you can’t focus on anyone else if you’re always talking about yourself. Try to reduce the number of “I” and “me” statements you make in daily conversation. Studies show that talking about yourself less often can make you happier and healthier, so try reminding yourself of that when the going gets tough.

   • For example, try asking other people how they’re doing rather than launching into a wordy description about how you’re doing.
   • Instead of telling your partner about your day as soon as they walk in the door, ask them about their day first.
   • According to Miller, simply wanting to be less self-centered shows your awareness and willingness to change. And maintaining that awareness will help shape you to be more conscious of your actions.
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Section 2 of 4:

Collaborating and Sharing with Others

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   Learn how to compromise. Self-centered people want everything to go their way all the time. Compromising means choosing to believe another person’s needs and desires are just as important as your own. Instead of demanding your way during a disagreement, try meeting the other person halfway so you both get some of your needs met.

   • For example, if your partner wants to go on vacation but you feel like it isn’t in your budget, a nice compromise would be planning a short day-trip or doing something affordable, like hiking or hitting a nearby beach.
   • Be sure to tell the other person you appreciate their willingness to meet you halfway. For example, you might say, “I really appreciate that you agreed to go hiking this weekend; it means a lot and I think we're going to have a blast!"
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   Share the spotlight with others. Praising others more often doesn’t diminish your own light. It feels good to take credit for things, especially when you work hard for them. If you notice yourself basking in the limelight a little too often, though, try devoting energy to praising someone else’s achievements. If other people helped you achieve something, don’t take all the credit! Share center stage with them.

   • For example, if your boss compliments a project you submitted, don’t forget to mention the hard work your team put in, too.
   • Praising others helps you feel connected to them and makes it easier to turn your focus outward.
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   Let someone else be in charge. Do you always feel like you need to make your voice heard? Try taking a back seat for a change. Let someone else lead the group when you're collaborating on a project. Instead of speaking for everyone in the room during a meeting, let someone else speak their mind. Try to relax and let go of the need to be in charge of everything.

   • If you’re out with friends and the group is debating where to eat dinner, let someone else pick. Focus on having fun instead!
   • Making your voice heard is important, too, but try to pick your battles. If there are other constructive solutions on the table, you don’t always have to add yours.
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   Celebrate the success of others. Be excited for them without inserting or comparing yourself. If you’re having a hard time being happy for a friend who just got an awesome promotion, it’s probably because you made the situation about you somehow. Don't worry, this is a mental habit that you can definitely break.

   • For example, maybe you couldn't help but think about how much you hate your own job when hearing about your friend’s promotion. Try to refocus on your friend’s success, congratulate them, and do your best to take yourself out of the equation.
   • Whenever you get the urge to talk about yourself in light of others’ success, think about how you’d feel if the same thing happened to you. If it wouldn’t make you feel good, it probably won’t make them feel good, either.
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Section 3 of 4:

Focusing on Personal Growth & Well-Being

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   Practice gratitude and challenge yourself to say “thank you” more often. If you don’t feel thankful for the good things in your life, you likely feel entitled to them. Unfortunately, this is a pretty self-centered way to look at the world. Instead, try looking for any excuse to show others that you’re grateful for them. Showing gratitude can help you feel more connected to others and motivate you to continue your journey of self-improvement.

   • You don’t have to make grand gestures to show gratitude. For example, say “thank you” when you get off the bus or make eye contact and say “thanks” when your waiter refills your glass.
   • If you want to get into the habit of gratitude, try making gratitude lists on a daily or weekly basis. Strive to list 5 things that you’re grateful for every day or week.
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   Practice being mindful in the moment. According to licensed clinical psychologist Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD, “Mindfulness is an openhearted, non-judgmental awareness of the present moment.” By simply focusing on being present, you can get yourself out of your head and into the world around you.

   • If you’re having a hard time staying present, try the 5-4-3-2-1 method to ground yourself in the moment.
   • The 5-4-3-2-1 method is a grounding exercise that involves focusing on 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
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   Spend more time with friends and family. A study from the University of Chicago shows that loneliness can make you feel more self-centered. Just being around other people can help you turn your focus outward rather than inward. If you’ve been feeling lonely for a while, though, it can be tough to be more social. If you can, try to force yourself out of your social comfort zone.

   • Joining a group, signing up for a class, and saying “yes” to invitations more often are great ways to start!
   • It’s normal to become self-centered as a response to loneliness. Unfortunately, being self-centered can make you isolate yourself more, which then makes you more self-absorbed. It can become an endless cycle.
   • If you’re afraid of putting yourself out into the world, start by spending time with close friends and family before reaching out to others.
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   Volunteer in your community. Helping others forces you to look outside of yourself, says Miller, and doing volunteer work is an easy way to do that. Not only does selflessly giving your time and energy benefit other people, but it helps you feel healthier, happier, and more connected to your community, too!

   • For example, you could volunteer at a homeless shelter or local soup kitchen.
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   Make good deeds a daily part of your life. Concerning yourself with others is an easy way to be less self-centered, explains Miller. She says this is as simple as asking how people are doing and or what they need. Other simple acts include holding the door open for someone, complimenting their looks, or being a listening ear.

   • Doing a nice thing for others each day can help you get out of that self-centered mindset and focus on supporting the people around you.
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   Get a pet to learn how to put others first. If you struggle with commitment and understanding the needs of others, a pet can help you work on those things. Consider heading down to the local animal shelter and adopting a pet that needs a good home. Your new pet will be completely dependent on you, so be sure to get one that makes sense for your lifestyle.

   • For example, if you travel a lot, a fish, turtle, or hamster will typically require less time and attention than a dog.
   • If you love going for long walks by yourself, a dog might make a great companion for you.
   • If you want a fun, affectionate pet that’s easier to care for than a dog, a kitten might be a good choice.
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   See a therapist if you’re still struggling. Self-centeredness can be a symptom of depression or anxiety. Miller notes that it can also be something inherent in you, shaped by your family dynamics, or a behavior you learned. If you’re having trouble getting rid of your self-centered behavior, don’t assume that you’re a bad person or give up on yourself. Instead, consider reaching out to a therapist for help. A therapist can help you understand what’s going on and provide much-needed support.

   • Feeling compassion for yourself doesn't make you selfish! It's important to take care of your mental and emotional well-being.
   • Your upbringing plays a huge part in whether or not you’re self-centered, especially if you weren’t given the proper care or attention you needed growing up.
   • By working with a therapist to unpack your upbringing, you can begin to understand why you’re self-centered.
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Section 4 of 4:

How to Stop Being Hard on Yourself

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   Remember, you’re a human and humans make mistakes. If you’re focused on avoiding every life mistake and trying to be perfect, you’re doing yourself a disservice by striving for an impossible goal. Mistakes are how you learn things, so if you keep trying to avoid them, you’re actually worse off than you would've been if you leaned into them. So, remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes, as they’re a reminder that you’re human.

   • When you mess up, take a moment to stop and think about other mistakes you’ve made in the past. Then ask yourself if they were detrimental to your life or not.
     • If they were, then you know from experience that you can get past this mistake, too. If they weren’t, chances are this mistake won’t be, either.
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   Love and accept yourself so you have more energy for everything else. Mindset and wellness coach Giselle Baumet says, “The ability to live for yourself comes from having self-love, acceptance of self, and a healthy level of self-esteem.” Loving and accepting yourself will help you get out of your head and become more involved in the lives of others.

   • To cultivate self-love, try some of these methods:
     • Speak positive affirmations to yourself in the morning.
     • When you make mistakes, remind yourself that you’re human and all humans mess up sometimes.
     • Engage with your hobbies and do things that you enjoy.
     • Allow yourself to feel your feelings when they come, rather than trying to avoid or downplay them.
     • Celebrate yourself when you win. Even if it’s something as simple as beating a video game level, you deserve the hype!
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   Remind yourself that self-criticism is a learned behavior that can be shaken. According to life coach, author, and speaker Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA, it's important to remember that self-criticism is a habit that has been ingrained into your way of thinking over time; in other words, it isn’t your authentic self doing the critiquing. Once you recognize that your internal criticism isn’t a reflection of your authentic beliefs, you can learn to stop it before you spiral.

   • If you start to think negatively about yourself, anxiety and stress management coach Alexandra Janelli suggests asking what you’re trying to do by thinking that way. How is that serving you? How can you reframe your mindset?
   • By asking these questions, you’ll help yourself realize that negative self-talk isn’t necessarily beneficial, which can put you on the path to self-love and acceptance.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  Can a self-centered person change?

  

  Arda Ozdemir, MA
  Career & Life Coach

  Arda Ozdemir is the Executive Coach and Founder of Rise 2 Realize, a nonprofit organization in Palo Alto, California that is dedicated to providing a practical roadmap toward one's full potential in their life and career. Arda is a Reiki Master, an Emotional Freedom Technique Practitioner, and a certified HeartMath Trainer and Mentor.

  

  Arda Ozdemir, MA

  Career & Life Coach

  Expert Answer

  Yes! If you're not sure where to start, try doing some random acts of kindness. You could volunteer to pick up a friend from the airport, grab your roommate a coffee for no reason, or pick your significant other flowers.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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